A LONELY’S BATTLE

He is always in front. The protector, the defender and the most trusted. Every time a new flower grows, he has to protect more, as expected by his clan. He shows no fear and no pain. Even if the odds are against him.

This changes when the his heart tells him to stop. Enough fighting, who is it that your fighting for? He can keep convincing himself that it was for his pack, but the heavens have ben seeing him the whole time. They can see hundred’s of eyes, as red as blood moon, looking at him. They want more. The one they chose as their protector, the one who they threw out into the middle of a battle against the vultures, the one to make the kill. They want more protection, yet they want a battle with more blood.

He keeps going. Ten years, twenty years… But his heart is pulling on the reins. Telling him to stop running, to stop going deeper into the darkness. But he doesn’t know how. As if he stops, a flower will be chosen to transform into the next killer on the run. To protect the pack by giving everything he has against the vultures. He would lose himself in the battle, with no way out of the battlefield. He did not want it to present to fall back into the past.

He did not want him to become the Alpha.

LIE TO LIVE OR LIVE TO LIE?

I can go on telling the truth, but the more I do so, the more I hurt.

By telling the truth, I am lying to myself.

Why? Because that truth is what people want to hear.

Truth is said to protect the other person, it does not protect you.

Some may say it does, but does it really?

Because by accepting the truth, we make the other person believe us.

But we lose the beliefs we had of ourselves.

No one lies without reason.

It’s that lie which is our truth.

In the end, the truth is always the real lie.

Deep down, I know that.

I know that I should not lie.

But I cannot bring myself to say the truth either.

Because if I do,

History will repeat itself.

MERMAID’S TEARS

I don’t know… Every time I realise that I want to do something, I know that no matter what happens, I just can’t. Every time I get called out, I turn them down. Why? Because I know that I will end up silent anyway. They claim to allow me to go where by dreams bring me. But they enclose their dreams over mine, making it hard to move forward. Overtime, the pressure closes in on my own. Soon, it becomes negligent. If I ask them if they remember, they would probably only remember the shell, never the inside. How would they know? They were only concerned about making the shell pretty with colours, even if the inside rots slowly. Even if a catfish tries to lick the colours away to expose the inside to the world, they quickly work on covering it again. In the end, I realise that the only one on my side is a catfish.

Why are they hiding the inside? Is it because I am a dolphin and not a dragon? Is it because they like milk chocolate over white? Maybe because they think that having a colourful outer shell is ‘prettier’ for others to see. Who knows? They might be trying to draw the patterns on my shell because they probably weren’t able to draw in their own.

In the end, I am just a lonely mermaid. Surrounded by the open blue, seeing all the good things around me, but never able to give up my tail and walk to the surface.

Under the sea, pearls roll on the seabed.

Demons

My demons tried to drown me but they didn’t know that I can breathe underwater

Trying to Escape

Got a vision again, after quite a long time. But I never thought that it would be something like this.

A large group of people… Either being held hostage or are trapped. I am there as well, but I am pretty sure I am looking at everything through someone’s eyes. We want to escape from this place. Around us, the room is just metal. It was cold, and we have not eaten in days. There is a door, or maybe just a large window. But we cannot leave, as if they find out, we will be caught. If we jump out of the window, we will get hurt. But if we survive it, we have a bleak chance of getting away from this place.

One by one, we decide to escape out of the window. It is raining heavily. Considering the way we are seated, I would be last. The person before me tells me to go first, but I tell him that it is best if I am last. We also cannot move around too much, or we will get caught. Today was rather quiet. There might be something going on outside.

Only a few of us managed to escape.

I never saw her story after that. But I did find her article on the 7th of November, 2018.

Things were just so similar. The faces I saw, the tower, the metal windows, the escape of some of the victims…

https://www.msn.com/en-sg/news/national/49-indian-nationals-alleged-forced-labour-at-construction-site-escape-while-guards-are-away-for-deepavali/ar-BBPq0uX

What I Am Doing Wrong…

I have no idea what I did wrong.

I laughed, even though I had things on my mind. I did not want people to feel that there was no one listening to them.

I try to follow my own values. I ended up getting criticized for not following the values the world already established before I was even born.

I wanted to share my ways of being happy with others. I ended up crying because they chose to belittle that one thing which helped me recover.

I try to forget my old name and the memories with them. But now, I only remember them stronger. I threw away my identity. But all the memories with them are not going away. I do not want them. I despise them.

I am not able to handle being depended on. I have enough people around me. Anymore, and I will break.

I keep convincing myself that I am fine. I tell everyone that I am fine. But I end up being called liar. Maybe I am.

End of the day, when I complete everything, I never really got a thank you. I only get people’s fear on me not doing as well as today in the future.

Even though god gave me hope and is trying to make me smile, the people closest to me are taking that away and creating sympathy I do not want.

I never really liked being around people, because I am not capable of being myself in front of them. I am too weak. I am not who they expect me to be.

Maybe I am a liar. That is probably the only truth they ever told me. I lied from the start that I am ok. I am not. I lied that I feel happy doing things I like. I am not. I am only finding a way to distract myself.

Right now, I do not even know what I am doing wrong.

A Sky’s Taunting

I have been running non-stop…

So much, that my feet are bleeding….

My heart is still weeping…

The sky opens its eyes…

But it is still not satisfied…

It constantly pushes me from the back…

Sometimes, it even throws a bolt at me…

I fall…

I see the ocean…

My heart slows down for a while…

But the sky does not wait…

It closes it’s eyes…

And throws me into the darkness again…

I start running again…

Hoping the sky is finally satisfied…

Hoping that I finally see colours…

But it never opened up again…

I looked up and cried…

I cried for a long time…

But the sky stayed shut…

Peeking at me over the ocean…

As if it was taunting me…

Laughing at me…

By the time it opened its eyes again…

I was no longer able to run…

I fell again…

This time, I could not stand up…

I looked up…

The sun was now smirking…

I could no longer feel my arms…

My brain was slowing down…

My skin was melting…

My blood covered feet could no longer move…

Yet it was smiling…

I wonder if that’s what it wanted…

To stop me from running…

But why…

It was much bigger than me…

Stronger…

Brighter…

Yet, it was smiling…

Why…

Soon, I felt my thoughts fade away…

This time, my eyes were closing…

Strangely, I could not feel my feet pain anymore…

…

The sky was now looking for someone else…

A Final Letter To An Angel

God… I miss you so much. Your voice and smile were enough to bring me out of my own depression in 2012. I spent my nights crying in my sleep and wanting to be alone. If not for your music, I would have still been suffering all this time. . I understand what you had been going through, as I was no different back then. I made the same decision as you. But the thoughts of one person stopped me, and Shinee music prevented it from starting all over. Even now, when I feel like crying, I listen to the first song I heard after the incident in 2012. It reminds me that I am strong and will be able to live for myself, and not for others. For changing my life, I was always grateful to you, and Shinee, in doing something which even the people around me couldn’t. But now, it feels like I ended up transferring it onto you instead… Don’t worry. I’ll continue to do my best to be happy. Everyone will move forward, but we will never be able to forget you. You will always be deep inside our hearts, smiling at us and encouraging us to be happy, the same way you did back then. I will patiently await for the eternal concert in heaven when the time comes, and you will show everyone that you were finally smiling for yourself, and not for others.

Mind Games

The day was windy, and it was moments away from a beautiful shower. As I walk off the lift, I see a tree. Tall, with pretty strong branches. I had to urge to not walk under it. Call me strange, but I knew that it will fall. I saw it drop in front of my eyes that morning, and the first thing I saw in the morning the time 8 o’clock on the broken clock on the wall in front of t he bed.

I could walk the longer route, but decided to shrug it off and continue walking. I stopped in front of the tree, and all was well. The minute I tried to step under the tree, a huge branch fell in front of me. I saw the time. It was exactly 8am.